Revelations
by divine-serenityJenevieve
Summary: Since John’s death Natalie has found little comfort anywhere. Avoiding family and friends, she’s been pursued by memories and ghosts to the point of breaking, but as the weeks pass so does the emptiness which she finally comes clean about to one man. Ca


_**Revelations**_

By Jenevieve

**Summary: **Since John's death Natalie has found little comfort anywhere. Avoiding family and friends, she's been pursued by memories and ghosts to the point of breaking, but as the weeks pass so does the emptiness which she finally comes clean about to one man. Can he find a way to save her before she leaves Llanview behind for good?

**Rating:** PG for mentioning of suicide issues; angst; romantic

**Disclaimer:** I sadly do not own any of the characters. They are all the wonderful creations of Agnes Nixon and the writers of _One Life to Live_, and I am only taking advantage of my love of the show to play with them for a little while.

**Spoilers:** The story follows the basic current storyline of "One Life to Live", skipping ahead to the first Christmas following John's death. It was started just after Vincent's hearing for setting up Cristian, and considering I doubt that TPTB will give us a long lasting happy Jolie ending I came up with a little angst and fluff of my own. Flashbacks could take place any time John and Natalie were romantically involved.

**A/N: **Lyrics used in this fan fiction are from Evanescence's song "Your Star". Flashbacks appear as italicized text.

_I can't see your star_

_I can't see your star_

_How can the darkness feel so wrong?_

_And I'm alone now_

_Me and all I stood for_

_We're wandering now_

_All in parts in pieces, swim lonely_

_Find your own way out_

_So far away_

_It's growing colder without your love_

_Why can't you feel me calling your name?_

_Can't break the silence_

_It's breaking me…_

-----

She let out a heavy sigh, leaning back against the cold leather of the seat behind her and closed her eyes. It was late. They probably wouldn't even let her in to see him. She wasn't even sure why she had come anyway. One minute she'd been at John's grave and then next she'd just started driving and here she was sitting in her car unable to decide if she should go inside or not.

"Just make a decision already, Natalie!" Her voice was oddly loud in the silence of the car, and she shivered slightly, the cold from outside slowly seeping in, chasing away the remaining heat now that the car was off. Unconsciously she began to massage her temples with her index fingers. The cold and silence deepened. "Fine, I'll go," she finally relented, pulling her coat tighter around herself as she opened the car door.

---

"_John?" _

_Her voice danced away along the wind as she closed the car door behind her and moved across the parking lot towards the dark figure standing alone, silhouetted in moonlight. As she drew near she could tell his back was to her, his face tilted heavenward. She stopped beside him, her eyes moving over the profile of his face, the wind causing his hair to twist and curl around his neck. Tucking her own windswept hair back behind her ears she followed his gaze upward taking in the full iridescent moon that hung above them._

"_Beautiful," she whispered with a smile, her eyes hypnotized by the raw beauty, the elegant simplicity._

_He looked sidelong at her as she continued to stare upward, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips. With a silent nod he moved forward and she followed. His car was pulled up onto the grass, backed up against a large chain linked fence, and without a word he opened the passenger door and began fumbling around in the back seat._

_She watched him quietly for a few minutes, before turning her attention to the empty parking lot and open fields that surrounded them. A thick line of trees, their branches naked or nearly naked, reaching up towards the pre-winter sky, edged the fields melting away into the dark horizon. As she took in their surroundings a sharp wind slammed into her, billowing up the hem of her black skirt and camel colored pea coat. Instinctively she slid her hands down her frame, pressing the material tight against her exposed skin. She shivered, hugging herself for warmth._

"_John?"_

_He didn't reply his head still lost in the backseat of the car._

"_Look John, it's late and I'm really cold…"_

"_Here." He emerged from the car with a pile of thick fleece blankets. Dropping the pile on the hood of his car, he moved towards her draping one around her shoulders. "How's that?"_

"_Thanks," she blushed._

_He returned the smile as he began to spread a few of the blankets out on the hood. Finally he extended a hand towards her. Without a word she took his hand and let him help her up onto the hood of the car. He followed, sitting down beside her, and wrapping two more blankets around them both._

"_Warm yet?" His voice was a gentle rumble against the back of her head as he drew her against him, his arms wrapping around her and rubbing her shoulders beneath the blankets._

"_Perfect," she breathed, turning her head so she could see his eyes. "Thanks."_

_He smiled back, before turning his attention back to the sky. She followed his lead but after a few minutes curiosity got the best of her._

"_John?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Why did you want me to meet you here?" He voice was quiet, the warmth of his body behind her lulling her, encasing her._

"_Patience," he whispered into the strands of her hair and she could hear the hint of laughter in his voice. _

_He was teasing her. She shifted slightly in his arms, her body physically screaming, squirming to know what was going on, but he just let he fidget away, his body accepting and reaccepting each weight shift, each repositioning._

_And then she felt it. It started as a rumble so deep and low she wasn't sure she was actually feeling anything. But it grew, slowly but steadily it grew, a soft rumble transforming into a vibration beneath her. She glanced back at John but his gaze was steady still focused skyward. Hesitantly she turned back towards the dark starry sky, and suddenly the vibration exploded around them as the soft lights and thundering engine of an airplane sailed just overhead, so close she could see the landing gear retracting above. Heat and sound assaulted her senses from all sides, the rush of wind and color taking her breath away. She sat entranced, her breath came in quick excited gasps as she was swept up in the unexpected adrenaline rush, but just as quickly as it came the plane pulled further and further away leaving them sitting in the soft afterglow, a void of exhausted air and sound._

"_What a rush," she breathed at last._

"_Glad you liked it," he kissed the side of her head. _

"_John-"_

"_My grandfather's house wasn't too far from an airfield like this one when I was a kid, and my father used to take Michael and I out there like this to see the planes. He'd make us sit with our backs to the runway and close our eyes. Used to scare Michael but I loved it. There was something..."_

"_Freeing about it?"_

"_Yeah. The rush of sound and sensation, it almost felt like I'd be lifted up and fly away by the sheer will of the plane; that I could go anywhere." He pulled her tightly against his chest, his chin resting on the top of her head. "I just wanted you to see it."_

_Beneath the blanket she squeezed his hand. "We've got all night."_

---

The burn ward was nearly empty, and again she glanced at her watch as she strode towards his room. Would they allow her in? Why did she feel the need to see him so badly? As if on cue a heavy set nurse rounded the corner, glancing up from the clipboard she was bent over as Natalie approached.

"I was hoping I could see Hugh Hughes." Natalie mustered up her warmest smile, hoping it might help. The nurse looked back at her with annoyed and suspicious eyes.

"I know it's late," Natalie rushed on, determined not to let the nurse get a word in until she'd pled her case. "But well I drove all the way down from Llanview. Please, I promise I won't stay long." Again she felt the overwhelming need to see Hugh, and her face broke ever so slightly.

"I really shouldn't let you," the nurse softened some.

"Please, it would mean a lot to me, and I don't know if I'll be able to get back down here before…"

"Christmas?" The nurse finished.

"Yeah," Natalie replied softly. It wasn't what she had actually meant. Truth was she wasn't completely sure where exactly she had been heading with the statement but Christmas was only a few days away and she let the nurse assume what she wanted. Christmas. Had it been that long already since Hugh was brought to the ward? Since the accident…since John…

"He's a favorite of ours here, you know," the nurse smiled, the clipboard pressed against her chest.

"I'm sorry?" Natalie blinked, forcing her mind back to the short stout woman before her and away from the abyss it had started to sink into.

"Mr. Hughes, he's a favorite of ours," the nurse continued turning on her heels and heading towards the room. Natalie silently followed her. "The poor man," the nurse glanced sideways at Natalie, shaking her head, "so much pain, but he's doing much better. Started skin graphs on his face just the other day."

"Really? That's wonderful," Natalie smiled back at the nurse as they reached Hugh's room.

"Wait here. I need to just clear you with the resident on call tonight."

Natalie slid stiffly into one of the chairs that lined the wall just outside Hugh's room. Absentmindedly she began to pick at a lose thread hanging off the right sleeve of the navy blue sweater she wore, but the more she pulled at it the more it unraveled even when she tried to snap it off.

"Damn it!" She grumbled dropping the thread and crossing her arms in a huff, glaring at the bulletin board hanging across from her.

A picture near the top caught her eyes and they softened as she took it in. It showed a thin lanky man and a freckle-faced blonde standing arms wrapped around each other with the Grand Canyon in the background. The man's face was a motley collection of colors, his ears slicked to his head, and slowly Natalie realized he was a burn survivor.

---

_The rain had been heavy all day but it seemed to have picked up even more once the sun had set. So far there had been no thunder, no lightning, just a constant deluge of rain, and the little girl inside of her was grateful for that. How she hated thunder and lightning._

"_You know, no matter how hard you glare at it it's still going to end when it's going to end." His voice was level with just the merest hint of amusement._

"_Yeah well I just hate being cooped up is all," she griped folding her arms against her chest, her face remaining inches from the window pane. "I think we're going to have to start to build an Ark soon."_

"_Well you better get on that. I think there's a hammer in the closet."_

"_Me?" She gaped, spinning around and nailing him in place with two shining blue eyes._

"_Of course." He remained motionless lying on his side of the bed, his eyes still locked on the novel he had held up close to his face. "You think I'm coming near you with power tools of any kind?" He glanced up then, his eyes laughing._

"_Oh you are in big trouble!" She howled, leaping over the top of him, her fingers searching for just the right spot beneath his arms as she straddled him._

_He let out a loud rich laugh._

"_Ha, found it," she grinned triumphantly as she continued to tickle him mercilessly._

"_Ok, you win!" He gasped between laughs. "Just stop already! I'm too old for this!"_

"_Fair enough," she smiled down at him, kissing him on the nose, before rolling off to her side of the bed._

_He ran a hand through his hair as he retrieved the book from where it had fallen on the floor. Settling back on the bed he flipped open the book again as she rested her head against his shoulder._

"_John?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_I miss our stars." Simplicity. Honesty. One little sentence and it held so much meaning. God he loved her._

"_Me too." He closed the book, no longer interested in the story, and slipped his arm around her shoulders pulling her against his chest. "But you know they're still there."_

_She nodded against his chest, her fingers drawing invisible twisting pathways along his dress shirt. "Stupid rain."_

_He chuckled softly, a rich deep alto beneath her head. "I'll tell you what…"_

"_What?"_

"_That's what I'm trying to tell you," he grinned, kissing the top of her hair, his left hand gently rubbing her shoulder._

"_Sorry, habit," she mumbled into the folds of his shirt._

"_As soon as you finish your exams I'll take you somewhere where you can see more stars than you've ever seen in your life."_

"_Really!" She was propped up on her elbow now, staring down at him. "Where?"_

"_The Grand Canyon," he replied, his eyes lost in hers. Reaching up he ran a hand over the back of her hair. "Ever been there?"_

"_No." She ran a finger from base of his throat down to the center of his chest._

"_Me neither."_

"_We'll go together like a normal couple on a normal vacation," she mused._

"_Like a normal couple," he repeated gently drawing her face down towards his._

---

It was the same room she'd been in a little over a month earlier. The same big sliding glass doors, the same machines and drapery, the same lone figure bandaged from head to toe on his back. As she slid the door closed behind her, Natalie let out a breath she hadn't even known she was holding. Fifteen minutes, that's all the time doctor was willing to give her, and Hugh had already been given a heavy sedative for the night. Would he even know she was there? Did he really need to? Again Natalie felt an overwhelming need to be near him, the unexplainable knowledge that he was the only one who could help her. But with what exactly? Shaking her head she realized the nurse was watching her through the doors and she quickly flashed her a brilliant smile.

"Nosey little…" Natalie mumbled as she pulled a chair up along side Hugh's bed and sat down, smoothing down the yellow fabric of the dressing gown she was forced to wear over her clothing.

"Hey Hugh, I don't know if you can hear me or not but it's Natalie." Her voice was soft and soothing. "I just wanted to see…to see how you were doing."

She stared down at him in silence, the room devoid of sound except for the soft pinging of a monitor behind her. What was wrong with her? She wasn't the sort of woman to have difficulty finding words to fill empty spaces but for some reason sitting there, in the presence of this man she felt perfectly content, perfectly safe not saying a thing.

"Stupid question, huh?" She finally exhaled, her eyes traveling back up from her hands in her lap to his bandaged face. Dark hair stuck out through the bandages and she had to resist the urge to reach forward and touch them. "You're in pain, a lot of pain."

And suddenly she was overcome by a tidal wave of emotion she hadn't been prepared for. She struggled for air, sliding forward and resting her arms on the bed beside him as she fought to control her breath.

"I'm…I'm sorry...," she gasped, her shoulders heaving. "I don't know why I came here. I shouldn't have come here." Tears welled up in her eyes but she fought them back. "I'm just so sorry, Hugh. Sorry you have to endure the pain you're in. Sorry that the accident ever happened. Sorry that…sorry that John didn't…" But she couldn't say it, and leaning forward she buried her face in her folded arms on the bed.

"I couldn't help myself," she finally whispered, her voice muffled by her arms. Raising her head she looked down at his bandaged face and noticed for the first time that his eyes were exposed; two closed eyelids rimmed with soft brown lashes.

"I don't know why but I had to come here. I had to see you." Her voice was getting stronger now and she felt herself regaining control. "I guess I just needed to talk with someone and well the last time I was here I felt connected to you in a way. You're the only one who knows how much this all hurts. This pain it doesn't stop, not for one second, not even when we sleep. I just knew you'd understand that."

She reached forward and took his bandaged hand in hers. "I've been trying, I mean really trying since it happened. To let him go to move forward but it's not that simple. My family, my friends they've all been great but the way they look at me, it's like reliving it all over again. They want me to move forward but when I try to they tell me it's too soon, that I'm not ready. They worry that I don't break down in front of them, like I'm standing on a ledge debating whether to jump or not. Ok so I'd be lying if the thought hadn't crossed my mind, ending this pain…but John wouldn't have wanted that for me."

Gently she turned his bandaged hand over in her hands, running a finger softly down the center. "Ok so I've thought about it a lot actually, how easy it would be. Some soft music, a bottle of Tylenol. I could wrap John's jacket around me and just go to sleep, just fall asleep and never wake up, never open my eyes to a life without him there beside me, without all this pain." Her voice was emotionless, hollow, as she spoke her eyes staring off through his hand.

"I don't know how to live without him. And these thoughts, as much as they scare me there is a comfort in them. Maybe I am closer to that edge than I thought. A large part of myself wants to. I can feel it squirming away inside and each day it grows stronger. I'm so scared, Hugh. I just miss him so badly." Another sob bubbled up and she paused, swallowing hard to push it back down.

"And then there's Vincent," she choked slightly on his name. "Look I know the two of you are good friends and I'm sure you're not naïve enough to not know a lot of the things he has done, and I realize he is a good guy. John didn't like him. Cris and Evangeline think very little of him too, but I get that he's trying. He says it's all because of me, that I make him want to be a better man. I think he's been watching one too many Hallmark movies if you ask me." She smiled softly. "But yeah, I get it. He's trying, and I've given him a second chance. Not like that, not like I know he wants. I'm not even close to considering finding someone new, and even if I were Vincent would be the last person I'd turn to. I made that mistake a long time ago and John saved me from it. This time, it's just me." She swallowed hard before continuing. "I wasn't exactly an angel when I first got to this town and I know a person can change, but he's so damn persistent. I thought I could open up to him. I mean he isn't family. He isn't even really a friend and a part of me feels like I can trust him, like I owe him for all that he did for John, for us, with his father's case, but he keeps overstepping that line, so I've closed him out too. And now," she exhaled sharply, resting her chin on the bed beside his hand. "And now I'm babbling to a man who probably can't hear me, who doesn't really know me outside of work, and who probably could care less…god Hugh, I'm really sorry."

She got to her feet as if to leave but she couldn't let go of his hand and slowly she slid back down into the chair. "I've never felt so alone in my entire life. Sometimes I think that if only I had never come to this town or if Haver or Hayes had just killed me then all those events that led up to you and John being on that freeway…maybe something would have changed…maybe you wouldn't be here like this and John would still be alive. I wish that, I really really wish that. I could live without ever knowing him as long as…as long as he was alive."

Tears started to run silently down her cheeks as she thought about what she'd just said. "Doesn't make much sense does it," she smirked, a stark contrast to the pain she was battling. "If I never knew him how would I know he was alive? Would I even really care then? Guess it's all relative. If I never knew John as a friend, as a…well you know, then I wouldn't be hurting this much would I? And would I even be here thinking of you if it weren't to have someone to shove my own pain onto? Honesty can be a bitch…and so can I it seems."

She paused for a moment watching him lying there before her. If she didn't know any better she'd have sworn he was waiting for her to continue. "I do care, Hugh, I really do care about you and even if John hadn't been in that accident too I would be here visiting, maybe not now but I would be. You don't deserve this pain any more than John deserved to lose his life. I just wish I could do something for you, do something to take it all back. But I can't. I can't do anything it seems. I can't be in that town with all those memories, all those ghosts walking around looking back at me from windows and park benches, from the station, Rodi's, the diner, Roxy's, hell even Llanfair. He's everywhere I look. Everywhere I turn I see us, hear us, and remember it all over again and again. I can't move forward. I can't move back; I'm just frozen where I am, frozen by what I've lost. How am I suppose to move on when I can't even let go? When I sleep I remember. I hear us laugh, relive the tears, the touches, all of it, and yet I'm losing him. I can't see his face. I can't hear his voice, but I remember the feelings. I know my mind fills in the words so I know what's said but I can't hear them. I can't remember what he smells like or the way his hand fit mine, and it hurts all over again, like I'm burying him all over again…every single time I..."

Her voice broke and she was overcome with sobs, her face pressing into the sheets of the bed. "I just want it all back to the way it was and it won't. It can't. And it hurts so damn much! And when it doesn't hurt…when it doesn't hurt I'm so numb, so empty I'm not even sure I'm alive!"

She allowed herself to cry softly for awhile, clinging to his bandaged hand as if it were a lifeline. Minutes ticked by and somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she was running out of time, so with a deep breath she swallowed her grief and regained her composure.

"He is everywhere and that's when the thoughts come, the reality that something inside of me would do anything to make the pain stop and it's getting stronger. I'm terrified, Hugh. I'm terrified that this pain, this emptiness is going to consume me that I am going to lose the things about me that John loved. That I will fail him, disappoint him, like I did when I let Vincent kiss me."

The bandaged hand in hers tightened ever so slightly.

"It was a mistake and I made that very clear to Vincent. I was looking for John and Vincent was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he knows that even if he cares to ignore it. But I can't help feeling guilty, that I betrayed John, that I let him down, and I hate myself for it. I know he's dead but he has to know. Somewhere, wherever he is, he knows what I did and I just…I'm afraid he won't forgive me. All this pain, this guilt, it's burning me up and I have to make it stop which is why," she swallowed hard suddenly aware for the first time what she'd been planning all along. "Which is why I'm leaving Llanview tonight."

She let the words settle in, fall down over them like a blanket. "That's why I came here tonight, to tell you. I had to tell someone and everyone else would try to talk me out of it but you…well I suppose you can't. I'm sorry if that seems selfish or insensitive. I think part of me needed to say goodbye to you above all because you're the only one who really understands, the other one who has been hurt so badly by all this mess…and I guess part of me didn't want to abandon you without explaining why. Funny how that works, huh? Maybe when you're better you might remember this and then you can explain it to them. I just can't do this anymore and if I don't leave, well I'm afraid I might choose to jump off that ledge after all."

A sharp tapping pulled her attention from Hugh and Natalie turned to find the nurse tapping against the glass with the clipboard. She held up a hand. Five more minutes, and Natalie tightened her hold on Hugh's hand not wanting to let go.

"I only have a few more minutes left," she whispered turning back to Hugh and for the first time she reached out and gently touched the bandages along the side of his face. "Thank you, Hugh, for everything. I don't know how but I just knew coming here tonight was the right thing to do. I feel, I feel so safe here, that you'd be ok with me just sitting her quietly. That was one of things John and I shared that I loved so much, so thank you for giving me that for even just a little while. And thank you for listening to me now, for being such a great guy to work with, and for all you did for John's father's case. John really respected you; we all do, and I need you to fight to get better. You need to get better because you have a lot of living left to do and a lot of people who love you. Don't ever forget that and hang on to that love because there is nothing more wonderful in the entire world. I just wish I could have told John as much."

Slowly she raised Hugh's bandaged hand to her lips and kissed it ever so lightly. "I would trade my life for John's," she whispered ever so softly. "I'd give up everything, even out relationship, even if it meant we couldn't be friend anymore or that he was back with Evangeline or some other woman. I'd still make the deal if it meant that he'd be alive. I could live with the loss of not being with him if I could see him live. I'd gladly die knowing he had a second chance. I just wish I could tell him how much I love him one last time…to see his eyes…to hear-to hear…" Her voice broke off into silent sobs again, and leaning forward she rested her head along side Hugh's on the pillow.

"To hear him say my name one last time."

She allowed her tears to seep into the soft cotton of the pillow case. "Goodbye Hugh," she whispered as she began to pull back from the bed, her eyes closed.

"Na-ta-lie."

The sound of her name made her freeze, her eyelids slowly lifting.

"Nata-lie."

There it was again. Her name, rough and thick, but her name. Hugh was saying her name.

"Natalie."

"Hugh?" She whispered, leaning back in by his face. His eyelids were struggling to open and his hand tightened within her grasp. "Hugh I'm here."

Slowly his eyes opened. Eyelashes fluttering, sliding back to reveal beautiful blue eyes staring back into hers.

"Natalie."

And she knew. She suddenly knew everything. The voice, the eyes, the hand that held hers, she knew them all.

"John?" She said his name tentatively, like if she said it too loud, hoped too much he'd vanish and it would turn out to be yet another nightmare.

"Yeah," he croaked, his voice strained and weak.

"Oh my god!" She sobbed, her hands coming up and gently holding his face. "Oh god!"

"Miss! Miss, what are you doing?" The nurse and doctor were pushing their way into the room. "You can't touch him!"

But Natalie ignored them, tears streaming down his face. "I can't believe it's you!" She breathed.

"Get away from the patient!" The doctor grabbed her shoulders, wrenching her away from John. Instantly the machines began to beep and whirl as John struggled.

"He's not Hugh Hughes! He's not Hugh Hughes!" Natalie sobbed. "His name is John McBain. He was misidentified! His name is John McBain! He's my fiancée!"

"Get her out of here!" The doctor growled and the nurse dragged Natalie out the door.

---

"_What are you waiting for? The water feels great!" She ran her hands over her hair, slicking it back out of her face as she pulled herself up against the side of the pool. Folding her arms she rested her chin on top of them watching him._

_He strode back and forth along the edge of the pool, the fading summer sun enhancing the tan color of his bare chest, arms, and legs. A sultry smile slid across her lips as she allowed her eyes to wander downward, admiring the way his black swim suit sat low on his hips, exposing just a hint of the valley of skin between his hips leading down, down…_

"_Mmmm," she exhaled happily._

_SPLASH_

_A gentle wave of water rocked into her side as he dove into the pool. Seconds later he emerged beside her, wiping water from his eyes and running a hand back over his own hair._

"_Now doesn't that feel much better," she grinned as he hooked his folded arms along the pool wall right beside her._

"_Yeah, it does," he smiled back. _

_For a moment they shared a soft silence, eyes lost in the others, both smiling. Finally he pushed off from the wall, crossing the pool in long slow strokes. She watched him go, enjoying the unobstructed view of his muscle moving beneath his skin. With a contented sigh she pushed off after him, floating out to the center of the pool on her back. It had been a particularly hot day and the central air at the station had stopped working around noon. Thankfully it was a slow day and escaping back to an empty Llanfair turned out to be the perfect ending they need. Closing her eyes she let everything go, losing herself in the soft heartbeat of the water in her ears and the hot setting sun on her face._

"_Penny for you thoughts?" He suddenly emerged beside her, grabbing her at the waist, and causing her to shriek with delight._

"_You bastard!" She swatted at him playfully. "Don't scare me like that!"_

"_I got you good didn't I?" He grinned, pulling her closer, his hands on her waist._

"_You...I could have drowned!" She cried back, pushing against his chest, but he could see her eyes were laughing._

"_If I wanted to drown you I could have just gone like this!" And he tipped her backwards, bracing her back against his forearm, as he dunked her head under only to pull her up seconds later._

"_You jerk!" She cried, sputtering and wiping at her face. "How do you like it?" _

_She leapt at him, pressing her weight into him trying to push him down under her but he was too strong, and she only ended up pressed tightly against him._

"_What exactly were you trying to do there?" He teased, wiping a few stray strands of hair out of her face._

"_Very funny," she breathed, suddenly aware of his body against hers. _

_He began to pull them towards the deeper end of the pool and instinctively she wrapped her legs around his waist, allowing him to carry her. His face was inches from hers and she could feel his breath warm and rushed against the wet skin of her face. Smiling she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her forehead against the side of his face. Lazily she reached beneath the water and pulled one of his hands from his waist, raising it up out of the water. Pressing her palm against his she lined her fingers up, comparing the size of his hand to hers. Silently he watched her, finding the edge of the pool again with his back. Rotating her palm slowly she moved her fingers over the space between his before entwining her fingers with his._

"_Just right," she whispered._

_He kissed the top of her hair and nodded._

_Raising her face from his chest she met his eyes head on, pressing their entwined hands over his heart. "No words needed. A perfect connection."_

"_Nothing's perfect," he replied softly, delicately, his own insecurities and pessimistic nature surfacing._

_She just smiled back. "As perfect as an imperfect world can give us."_

---

It had been a long and emotional night. It seemed as if it had taken an eternity for her to convince the doctor and nurse that she wasn't crazy, that Hugh was really John, but in the end they had agreed to a simple blood test. Hugh was type O+. John was B+, and when the results came back there was no question. Calling Michael and Uncle Bo was next on her list. She hadn't wanted to tell them why they needed to get down to Atlantic City immediately over the phone but eventually, despite her elusiveness, they had both agreed to come. A great deal of confusion, tears, and finally celebration had followed, that is except for Paige. Initially she had embraced Bo, rejoicing along with him but gradually the meaning of John's resurrection struck home. If John was the one in the bandages then Hugh was the one who had died. Natalie had been overcome with sympathy as Paige sunk slowly to the floor in Bo's arms, tears pouring down her face for a son she had only just found and just as quickly lost. It had been a long and emotional night but the sun had still come up and John was alive.

"I still can't believe it," she smiled softly down at him. "I prayed so hard…"

He smiled faintly, his eyes staring into hers.

"I just sat here babbling on and on. Even after that first visit, I swear I thought you said something but I convinced myself it was all in my head, because you were gone." She stared down at the bed. "And you heard it all, heard me say I was letting go…and Vincent…John, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry…I…I…"

"For-give." His voice was barely a whisper and she snapped her head up meeting his gaze, her eyes wide and pleading.

"You forgive me?"

He nodded ever so slightly.

"Oh John," she burst into tears, all the guilt and pain of the last few months exploding out of her like a geyser. "I've been so lost without you," she sobbed, "So lost. I've looked everywhere but I just couldn't see…couldn't feel you. I'm so sorry I lost faith that I gave up hope. I'm so sorry!"

Slowly, painfully John lifted a bandaged hand to her face, wiping at her tears. The scratchy fibers of the bandages made her laugh, despite her tears, and she pulled her chair closer to the bed, holding his hand tightly.

"I'm here now," she whispered, wiping at her face and smiling down at him. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you, John."

She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips.

"Lo-ve…love you…too."

"I knew there was a reason I was drawn back here; why I had to see Hugh above all people tonight. Somewhere, somehow you got through to me. You called me back to you. Our perfect connection," she whispered resting her head against the pillow beside his.

"Per-fect," he smiled back.

**The End**

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© 2006

_**Special thanks to Dulce and Manda for being my wonderful betas**_

Ok well that's it… I hope you enjoyed it just the same. Remember, all feedback is welcome of course! It's the only way I'll get any better so feel free to drop me a comment at divine. 


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